Covid-19 vs Eating Disorder-42 (from inside a Seattle Eating Disorder clinic)

At least 30 million people of all ages and genders suffer from an eating disorder in the U.S.
Every 62 minutes at least one person dies as a direct result from an eating disorder.
Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness.

I would give stats about Covid but they are skewed and shifting. It is serious, has and will continue to take lives. How many? As many as it needs to I believe. (I pray each day)

But not as many as addictions. Not as many as insidious mental illness. Not as many as eating disorders.

Which are all a virus. Viruses that suckle on the life force of a human and feed directly on fear, and the programming that keeps our ever expanding economy ticking away. These viruses nestle themselves directly inside the part of the individual who has been objectified, commodified, oppressed and marginalized.

But no one is in quarantine over what is silently killing us all and the Earth- rapidly.

Oh- but subjective research isn’t valid- like the body’s intuition and deep primordial knowing.

And addiction is BIG business. Especially eating disorders because they affect more of us than anyone would care to admit.

These patterns of thought become virulent (love this new buzz word that no one can really pronounce) inside each one of us as we fall prey to the systemic thought forms of competition, comparison, unworthiness, self loathing etc. These thoughts live so deep in the psyche that they are free floating in the atmosphere and emanating from so many of us without awareness. Even those of us who practice mindfulness.

Last week I sat and listened to one of my “cell mates”, who is in a larger body, talk about what it is like to live in this society in a body that no one wants to be in. She said that she can feel the energy of people’s thoughts as they walk by and silently say:

“oh, poor woman. I am so glad I am not in that body.”

I wept. I wept for her. I wept- as I tried hard to deny it- I had to sit there and tell her- “yes, that is true- I know that thought”.

I had to feel deep into my subconscious all of the times I looked at someone and projectile vomited some form of conditioned self loathing via collective virus channels all over them.

I wept over the fact that no matter how much work we all do inside this center (so hard- so brave) that we still have to go back to a world where nothing has shifted. We have to be so strong against the odds.

It has been six weeks of 8–12 hours of daily therapy inside of an extremely westernized model of healthcare. I am in school. What I am seeing from the inside will never leave me.

What I have had reinforced is that I live in a bubble. And that the “majority” has zero comprehension of a collective interwebbing (I do not like to use the word consciousness because I have seen that it can unfortunately create more divisiveness- more perceived ego and hierarchy).

So my inner work becomes more important. My daily actions become much more important than my words. How I look at others- how I can notice the still entrenched programming in me. I will no longer look at another human’s body and compare, judge, wish, project anything.

If I spend the rest of life loving myself fully- I will have saved lives. Because, as hopefully no one can deny now, we are connected.

When those thoughts of body objectification arise in me- when I start to create from comparison, push myself as a product and perpetuate commodification I will take a breath.

I will gently ask the shadow of doubt and delusion to breathe with me. I will own what is mine, I will hold the little one who was ripped from her dream space one night and sold to the devil and the rest I will hand back to all of the voices and systems of delusion. I will hand it over to God and the angelic force that has guided me this far. For I have never been alone. May I remember that in these moments.

May the Love I have always been be what is virulent about me.

For an update- what is happening to me in rehab is profound Soul retrieval. My journey is far from over. It feels odd to ask for support in the middle of hysteria. The money from the GoFunDMe I am running has been incredible and it is gone. I have insurance and it’s still gone.

You would pass out if you knew how much money these centers are. So…

For a few reasons, Covid included, I am going to continue my journey back home in PT.

The next phase is a deep rest. I will bow to the intelligence of what is happening on a larger scale and follow suit.

Slow way down. Receive the gift of the quieting, stillness- of watching parents play with their children in the parks (with social distance).

I am tuned into the gnosis that I am healing the deepest layers of me at THIS time, not before now. I have never done anything on accident. I hear the call.

LOVE.